Monday evening April 7th I checked my mailbox... which I do more often the past couple of weeks. I was surprised to find a letter from my son. I was not expecting it until Wednesday... YAY! I have received two prior to this one. The first one was quite depressing because it was what the reality was of where he was and how hard it was on him. The second one was more positive... it told of his evaluation and what he could expect for the future. He has hopes to finish his degree and it could possibly be in Culinary Arts... he will be able to work for .40 an hour... he has 8 different programs that he will be expected to complete. (We were told at orientation that he doesn't have to, they do not make them do anything) the next three years he can choose to do what is expected and if he does complete that and exceeds expectations on his board of pardons meeting in March 2017 he may be considered for release.
When I read this current letter I was not as excited.... He wrote that on the Sunday the 30th he had been working out and that he hoped that some money would show up on his commissary because he needed some hygiene items and he really wanted some paper. They provide for the inmates bare essentials and one piece of paper and an envelope a week to send one letter... at least for the time being. We had deposited some money but he had not received it yet.
He is an amazing artist and while he was in county jail for a year he did a lot of drawing and reading. He has not been able to do either since he was transferred on March 21st. They are usually given a bible or other religious books but they were not able to because someone prior to his transfer caused a riot by starting the books on fire. So as it is now, he is in a cell all but 1 hour a day and he has nothing to occupy his time... except for his thoughts. Once he is moved to R/O (residency occupied???) he will be able to spend 3 hours away from his cell. He will also be able to send more than one letter... which he will have to pay for the supplies. We still do not know when we will be able to visit or if he will stay in Draper or if he will be moved to one of their other facilities...maybe the one in Gunnison.
He has not had much communication from any of his family except for me and his dad. He is really sad that his sisters have not written him. One of his sisters has not had any communication with him for 14 months. That has made him feel really sad and of course abandoned by her. The other three have visited only once and one sister has written and sent a card a couple of times. I pray that my daughters will have empathy for their brother... to feel for themselves what it would be like to be in place and not have the support of their family members. I know that my daughters are amazing women and that with time they will come around. I just pray that is sooner than later.
He also wrote of what had happened to some inmates on Wednesday April 2nd they had got jumped and chin checked. They had come to his cell and harassed him and wanted his food and some words were exchanged... he said NO and I guess they had said that they were OK. They said not to trust them or anyone because of what had happened that morning. So that hour he is out of his cell he says he will have to watch his back. He hopes that he will be transferred soon so he can start out on a clean slate. He is expecting for it to happen soon, hopefully this week. He said not to worry about him that he would be okay and that he is a tough cat. I will be doing my best not to worry, that I will have faith because he has done everything he can since he turned himself in to do what is right... to do all that he can do to be forgiven and to accept all that has happened with a knowing that it is what it is and all will be well if he continues to surrender to his punishment.
When I read this current letter I was not as excited.... He wrote that on the Sunday the 30th he had been working out and that he hoped that some money would show up on his commissary because he needed some hygiene items and he really wanted some paper. They provide for the inmates bare essentials and one piece of paper and an envelope a week to send one letter... at least for the time being. We had deposited some money but he had not received it yet.
He is an amazing artist and while he was in county jail for a year he did a lot of drawing and reading. He has not been able to do either since he was transferred on March 21st. They are usually given a bible or other religious books but they were not able to because someone prior to his transfer caused a riot by starting the books on fire. So as it is now, he is in a cell all but 1 hour a day and he has nothing to occupy his time... except for his thoughts. Once he is moved to R/O (residency occupied???) he will be able to spend 3 hours away from his cell. He will also be able to send more than one letter... which he will have to pay for the supplies. We still do not know when we will be able to visit or if he will stay in Draper or if he will be moved to one of their other facilities...maybe the one in Gunnison.
He has not had much communication from any of his family except for me and his dad. He is really sad that his sisters have not written him. One of his sisters has not had any communication with him for 14 months. That has made him feel really sad and of course abandoned by her. The other three have visited only once and one sister has written and sent a card a couple of times. I pray that my daughters will have empathy for their brother... to feel for themselves what it would be like to be in place and not have the support of their family members. I know that my daughters are amazing women and that with time they will come around. I just pray that is sooner than later.
He also wrote of what had happened to some inmates on Wednesday April 2nd they had got jumped and chin checked. They had come to his cell and harassed him and wanted his food and some words were exchanged... he said NO and I guess they had said that they were OK. They said not to trust them or anyone because of what had happened that morning. So that hour he is out of his cell he says he will have to watch his back. He hopes that he will be transferred soon so he can start out on a clean slate. He is expecting for it to happen soon, hopefully this week. He said not to worry about him that he would be okay and that he is a tough cat. I will be doing my best not to worry, that I will have faith because he has done everything he can since he turned himself in to do what is right... to do all that he can do to be forgiven and to accept all that has happened with a knowing that it is what it is and all will be well if he continues to surrender to his punishment.
Niels, April 8, 2014
As of Tues night when I got your letter in the mail… I contacted the company that I sent the deposit to and made sure it was put on your account. It was on the 29th which was a Sat. Then I called the prison… all they could tell me is that you have a balance, he also said it takes at least 3 days before you know that it was received. I suppose that you know now…. Maybe it being late on Friday when I made the deposit and them sending it on Sat and it was the weekend and that is why on the 2nd you still did not know about it.
I pray that this letter finds you safe and no harm or accident has come to you. I will pray that you will soon be in a place that it will not matter why you are there. I pray for you always but I will ask for your angels to be with you and protect you. Please ask for the same thing yourself.
I know it is sad that it has been so long since you have heard from any of your sisters. I know they care about you. I will stress again how important it is at this time for them to write to you. Now that you have the funds to buy supplies to write, spend the time you have now to write all of them heart felt ~ authentic and humble letters. (They know when you are not) Ask for spirit to write through you to each of them... ask for the right words to be put on paper for each of them individually. The ones you have written me are amazing. I think I will scan and email them to your sisters tonight.
I have been listening to this book called “Heal the Hurt” by Bill Ferguson. It was required by my Reiki teacher. It has been amazingly healing. On Sunday Latiesha had been staying at the house since Wed night. She was here because Tasheina got married on Thursday. Anyways… it was in the morning and Tiesh was watching a movie… her baby Jonah was crying…Noah was playing and was hungry and so I fed him. There was a little chaos but not too much. Well the trigger was your Dad was on the computer working on something for work. At that time I started my self-talk… Why is he working on Sunday? Why is this bothering me so much and making me so angry? If he was surfing and doing anything else except for working I don’t think it would have bothered me as bad. It was bad enough that I needed to go upstairs to my room. In my room I remembered the book I had been listening to and when you have an upset there is always an underlying hurt that has not been healed. It took me some time but I was able to uncover the hurt. Of course the hurt was bad enough to make me cry… The hurt was that I had been abandoned… At first it was by your Dad while I was raising my kids because he was always at work and not at home helping me. Then I went further and I felt the hurt of being abandoned by my father and my mother. Not only was I abandoned, but I was not good enough and I was unappreciated. Boy did that hit a nerve. It went into having that my whole life…. not only with your Dad but also with my children… WOW! After I was able to maintain, your Dad came upstairs to get ready. He knew I was upset and I did not try to hide it. We were getting ready to go do some shopping. I was thinking to myself whether I should discuss this further or not. On the way to Costco he brought it up, so I knew at that time I needed to talk about it. The best part was I was able to….YAY! I asked for him to just listen (he did) and not to take anything personally (he struggled) that it was all in the past and it was about me and what I needed to FEEL so that I was able to put this behind me. Now I know that he was doing the best he could with the awareness and tools that he had at that time. I was doing the best that I could with the awareness and tools that I had at that time. You know we all do…. We ALL do the best we can. If I knew then what I know now I would have done differently and so would have he. I forgive your Dad… I forgive my Dad and Mom… I forgive myself. I let go of all resentment and upset in knowing that we were all doing the best that we knew how and the time. I have LET GO of the guilt for having the resentment. I also know that sometimes I am abandoned, not good enough and unappreciated, but I am also CHERISHED ~ NUTURED ~ ABSOLUTELY GOOD ENOUGH AND APPRECIATED! We can’t fight what we are, we have to accept those things but also see that we are also the things that we felt we were not. The things that we have tried so hard to be because we were holding on to what we were conditioned to believe that we were. I am not sure you want to do any of this work… it is really powerful. I found Bill Ferguson’s website and he has the steps to be able to do the work. I thought I would send it to you “JUST IN CASE.”
PLEASE stay to yourself and spend as much time as possible on your knees with your hands in prayer and your eyes to the heavens. Do not be afraid to ask for his protection and guidance. Remember if stay out of trouble you get to move more quickly to having more freedom and privileges and of course to be able to be on the outside.
I love you with all my heart and soul ~
MOM
As of Tues night when I got your letter in the mail… I contacted the company that I sent the deposit to and made sure it was put on your account. It was on the 29th which was a Sat. Then I called the prison… all they could tell me is that you have a balance, he also said it takes at least 3 days before you know that it was received. I suppose that you know now…. Maybe it being late on Friday when I made the deposit and them sending it on Sat and it was the weekend and that is why on the 2nd you still did not know about it.
I pray that this letter finds you safe and no harm or accident has come to you. I will pray that you will soon be in a place that it will not matter why you are there. I pray for you always but I will ask for your angels to be with you and protect you. Please ask for the same thing yourself.
I know it is sad that it has been so long since you have heard from any of your sisters. I know they care about you. I will stress again how important it is at this time for them to write to you. Now that you have the funds to buy supplies to write, spend the time you have now to write all of them heart felt ~ authentic and humble letters. (They know when you are not) Ask for spirit to write through you to each of them... ask for the right words to be put on paper for each of them individually. The ones you have written me are amazing. I think I will scan and email them to your sisters tonight.
I have been listening to this book called “Heal the Hurt” by Bill Ferguson. It was required by my Reiki teacher. It has been amazingly healing. On Sunday Latiesha had been staying at the house since Wed night. She was here because Tasheina got married on Thursday. Anyways… it was in the morning and Tiesh was watching a movie… her baby Jonah was crying…Noah was playing and was hungry and so I fed him. There was a little chaos but not too much. Well the trigger was your Dad was on the computer working on something for work. At that time I started my self-talk… Why is he working on Sunday? Why is this bothering me so much and making me so angry? If he was surfing and doing anything else except for working I don’t think it would have bothered me as bad. It was bad enough that I needed to go upstairs to my room. In my room I remembered the book I had been listening to and when you have an upset there is always an underlying hurt that has not been healed. It took me some time but I was able to uncover the hurt. Of course the hurt was bad enough to make me cry… The hurt was that I had been abandoned… At first it was by your Dad while I was raising my kids because he was always at work and not at home helping me. Then I went further and I felt the hurt of being abandoned by my father and my mother. Not only was I abandoned, but I was not good enough and I was unappreciated. Boy did that hit a nerve. It went into having that my whole life…. not only with your Dad but also with my children… WOW! After I was able to maintain, your Dad came upstairs to get ready. He knew I was upset and I did not try to hide it. We were getting ready to go do some shopping. I was thinking to myself whether I should discuss this further or not. On the way to Costco he brought it up, so I knew at that time I needed to talk about it. The best part was I was able to….YAY! I asked for him to just listen (he did) and not to take anything personally (he struggled) that it was all in the past and it was about me and what I needed to FEEL so that I was able to put this behind me. Now I know that he was doing the best he could with the awareness and tools that he had at that time. I was doing the best that I could with the awareness and tools that I had at that time. You know we all do…. We ALL do the best we can. If I knew then what I know now I would have done differently and so would have he. I forgive your Dad… I forgive my Dad and Mom… I forgive myself. I let go of all resentment and upset in knowing that we were all doing the best that we knew how and the time. I have LET GO of the guilt for having the resentment. I also know that sometimes I am abandoned, not good enough and unappreciated, but I am also CHERISHED ~ NUTURED ~ ABSOLUTELY GOOD ENOUGH AND APPRECIATED! We can’t fight what we are, we have to accept those things but also see that we are also the things that we felt we were not. The things that we have tried so hard to be because we were holding on to what we were conditioned to believe that we were. I am not sure you want to do any of this work… it is really powerful. I found Bill Ferguson’s website and he has the steps to be able to do the work. I thought I would send it to you “JUST IN CASE.”
PLEASE stay to yourself and spend as much time as possible on your knees with your hands in prayer and your eyes to the heavens. Do not be afraid to ask for his protection and guidance. Remember if stay out of trouble you get to move more quickly to having more freedom and privileges and of course to be able to be on the outside.
I love you with all my heart and soul ~
MOM